Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize