Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
