Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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