i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
