His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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