she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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