If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
