My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
