i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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