pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
