I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My ass is underappreciated
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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