I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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