They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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