i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
