Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
