before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
