He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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