I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?