I can text with my tongue
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
