have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
