remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
