Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
