I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you had me at cake vodka
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
