Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
