Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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