My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
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Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
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I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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