At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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