I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
