if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
