I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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