my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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