Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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