I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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