I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
