look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
