and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
