We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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