upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
