Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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