I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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