I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.