I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
