I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
