I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
