explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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