the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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