His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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