I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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