I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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