Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
