i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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