I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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