Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
