I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
