If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
