I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
