Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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