I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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