just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
