There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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